Poetic Anomaly

I'm going crazy again.

Of course I am. I'd never post if I were sane, would I? That would be boring.

I've started withdrawing into my mind again. The sad part is, I like it there. Because in my head, I can be whatever I want. I can live in whatever world I want. Everything is exactly how it should be. It's so real, I feel like it must exist somewhere. And maybe that's why I'm always thinking about it... why else? I'm not crazy. I know I'm not crazy. I am perfectly sane. I'm just.. different, is all. I wish I could show people the inside of my mind, so they can understand what I'm trying to say. Because as I read this, it doesn't make any sense. Well, it makes sense to me. But I know it doesn't make sense to you. And if you think it does... you have no idea.

A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through.
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me.

School. People. Boys. COLLEGE. I can't handle it all. My world is falling down on me very, very fast. So many things coming at me in all different directions.

School. Holy shit. Chemistry is not bad. It's sort of hard, but I can handle the difficulty. The work load kills me sometimes. I've heard it will only get harder. I'm moving along very slowly with Calculus. I got an 85% on my last test, and I think I sort of understand the new chapter so far. I think. Physics- what the fuck? I just don't get it. My teacher is a fucking genius. He's awesome and everything, but he doesn't really explain things, he just expects us to understand it. For God's sake, the man was a rocket scientist - we are simply not at the same intellectual level as he is. I will be astonished if I survive this. In fact, if I do survive it, I will probably die from shock anyways. The shock of me surviving it.

Oh, and by the way, people suck. Basically, here's how it goes.. I consider myself a very thick-skinned person. In fact, a lot of people do. I'm also blunt and don't like sugar-coating. There is a big difference between sugar coating and tact. I have tact. Some people just don't understand it. That's when you have to be blunt. Also, some people just don't care about other people. That's also an appropriate time for bluntness. Long story short, people think I'm a bitch who hates everyone. I don't hate everyone. I don't hate anyone, except one person. And I don't like hating her. I don't like hurting people's feelings or just being a bitch in general. For some reason, people think I do. Sometimes it's necessary. You would put your dog down if it were suffering, right? You wouldn't want to, but it would be necessary. It would be wrong to let it suffer. Granted, my situation is less extreme than a dying animal, but it's the same concept.  The combination of my objective bluntness and my well-known thick skin results in people being assholes to me. Not necessarily because they don't like me.. My friend Jon is an ass to me a whole lot. He even flat-out admitted that he does it to me more than others because he knows I can take it. I'm flattered, but please don't. Just because I can take it doesn't mean I enjoy it. I can handle people not liking me, I can handle people treating me like I'm worthless. That's a product of a lifetime of mediocrity and general unpopularity (if that's even a word). I've never liked it, I've just learned to live with it. But I want people to hug me. I want them to randomly do nice things for me and make me feel good, just like they do with everyone else. I don't want them to be hard on me just because I can take it. Even the hardest rock can only take so much before it crumbles. I am about to crumble.

Ugh, boys. Not a big deal, but not fun when piled on top of everything else. Basically, there's this guy in one of my classes who reminds me so, so much of James. I thought it immediately, which sort of set off an alarm. I tried not to talk to him more than necessary, because I knew I would end up liking him for all the wrong reasons. I thought I was doing a fairly good job. Not that he was making it easy, what with him being one of the nicest freaking people ever. He even sort of looks like him. So anyways, I thought I was doing a good job, then he hugs me. The one person I DON'T want to hug me (even though I really do, I just try to suppress it) freaking hugs me. There go the butterflies. I am so dumb.

College. Oh, god. I have to start writing admissions essays. I have to have the rough draft by tomorrow for my lit class. All I have to say is... how the fuck am I supposed to tell them who I am when I don't even know?

Ugh, I'm sick. And I have like a cold sore or something in my nose. It hurts so bad.

I am loving Grimm's Complete Fairytales. I wish that book were endless. All I ever want to do anymore is curl up by the window while it storms and read a story. I wish I could do that for the rest of my life.

I have a calculus test on Monday, and I think I may do pretty well. It's really exciting. I'm starting to understand it! Now I need to get my shit together for Physics. I haven't been reading from the book all the time, which is a mistake. I still don't have a feel for Mr. Taylor's teaching style, it's so erratic.

We're on the first newspaper issue of the year. It's my first issue ever. And I'm designing the cover. I'm so excited! But also a little nervous. It's kind of a lot of pressure.

I wish I had something more interesting to blog about.

I've already posted today, but this one really got me thinking.

I know I could never live without hearing. Music, wind, storms, so many things I would lose. I could never, ever give that up.

The same goes for sight. Too many things I'd be missing out on.

I could also never give up my sense of.. touch, I guess you'd call it. It's much too important.

That leaves me with taste and smell. That's actually a tough one. But I think I'd have to go with smell. Simply because most things we say have a bad taste, actually have a bad smell. Things like sour, bitter, sweet, etc. are taste. But chocolate, banana, flavors.. those are actually smells. It would make eating healthy food a whole lot easier, and I'd never have to give up my music, my sight, or touch ;]

EDIT: Holy shit, I just remembered... I cannot, WILL NOT, give up my sense of smell. Fuck it. I'll stay fat. Seriously, there are too many amazing moments that are brought to the forefront of my memory through smells. The ultimate being cherry blossom. Maybe if I could give up all smell except that, but I don't think it works that way. I'm going with taste. It's not that big of a deal, anyways.

So, there's this girl in drama that I hate. Not like "wow, I kind of don't like her.. like, a lot." More like.. I didn't know the true meaning of hate until I met her. I can't even put it into words. It makes me really angry, because hate is not a good thing. I've always thought there was way too much hate in the world. And then she comes along, stirring up the very emotion I've been seeking to eradicate! I tried so hard to like her, too... Well, anyways, to the point. She has a youtube account, where she "vlogs," and I've started watching her videos just so I can laugh at how she thinks she's cool, even though she's not. And how she thinks she's smart. And any good adjective you can think of, basically.

I need to distract myself from all this hate. Yesterday, I bought Grimm's Complete Book of Fairytales. I think I'll read some tonight. Also, I need some ideas for musicals. We were going to do Sweeney Todd this year, but the administration wont let us. It's "inappropriate for high school students." Or some stupid shit like that. I don't know. It's upsetting. And anything Disney is out, because Mueller hates Disney. I kind of want to do The Wiz, but I don't think anyone will go for it. They did The Wizard of Oz about four years ago. Which is really dumb, because it wasn't even the musical version. But I know everyone will use the excuse not to do it. Whatever. I also think it'd be awesome to do Mama Mia, but there's no way they'd do that, since the movie is still in theatres. Though, by the time they perform it, it wont be anymore. But still. Basically, drama club is dumb. It kind of upsets me, but for some reason, I stay anyways. Oh well. I'ma go read me some fairytales.

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

Okay, that's a lie. I don't find it sad. You know those dreams where you "die," and immediately wake up? For some reason, that doesn't happen to me anymore. I actually die in my dream. I can feel myself slipping away. It's unebelievably peaceful. I'm not saying I want to die.. just that it doesn't scare me. In fact, it kind of fascinates me.

Lay all your love on me.

So, I'm doing a chemistry formal lab report right now. It is killer. I'm running on no caffeine (the one day I decide not to go to the gas station, and the school vending machines are all down..). My brain is going to be so fried, I don't think I can survive long enough to make it to graduation. But as much as it tortures me, I'm sure I'll thank her some day. I've never really been challenged before - imagine the state I'd be in if this didn't happen to me until college. I don't even want to think about it.

It's hard, though. I'm so tired. All I want to do is curl up in bed with a good book and dive into a fantasy world. I'm sure it's unhealthy how I try to escape so much, but I don't really care. I like my problems.

That's probably not healthy either.

Oh man. I need a new series to read. I get really crazy when I don't have a good new fantasy book to read. I go back to old ones and get so into another world that I start getting really depressed when I have to bring myself back to this one. I'm addicted to my happily ever afters. Come to think of it, I think I have a book I was meaning to read.. but then I had to read that stupid book for my lit class. I think I'll find it. It sounded good. And I like what I've read by the author so far.

I still feel pretty lonely. But I feel better when I'm by myself. That probably doesn't make very much sense. But I'd rather be lonely by myself than in a room full of people. Because then I don't have to put on a show or anything. It's nice. Comforting. Kind of lame, though, that I'm the only person I can be myself around. I need to find mia cantante...

I am seeing Death Cab at the Fox Theatre. My dad is the BEST.

Okay, so remember my first post, about how I'm kind of not normal? Well, lately I've felt a lot more isolated than most. Usually I like it. I like that I'm different, almost.. unnatural? That's not really the right word, but I can't think of a better one. But lately, I've felt.. lonely. I don't want to be like everyone else. I just want to meet someone who likes how different I am. I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I scare people and will probably be alone forever, but that's not an easy feat. I don't really know what the point of this post is, it probably sounds all retarded and emo.. sorry. As interesting as it is, seeing everything from a different point of view than everyone else.. I wish there were someone to watch with me.

So, you should see it. Like, now. Seriously. It was way rad. The 3d-ness was so cool. It was intense. I actually screamed at one point, because I thought a giant killer fish was going to bite my face off. The cinematics are beautiful. Also, the glasses make you look like a total pimp. Especially if you're like me and you wear glasses already, effectively transforming you from four-eyes to six-eyes. It's grand. I'd highly recommend the movie to anyone who is into fantasy/adventure/fun of any sort.  It was magical. I want a pet glowbird!

I usually don't like to answer these things, but this actually has a story behind it. It started when I was being my nerdy self, playing Guild Wars. I like to have names that actually mean something. So I went to babynames.com to find something suitable. When I didn't find anything I liked for this particular character, I went to freetranslation.com. I don't remember what exactly I typed in, but it ended up translating back to "beautiful anomaly." It was originally Italian - Bella Anomalia - but I later changed it to French and got Belle Anomalie. It just felt perfect. Beautiful Anomaly. I started using belleanomalie for basically all of my usernames, but I wanted something different for this. I think beautifulanomaly was already in use, so I used thesaurus.com to get a good synonym for beautiful. I ended up with Poetic Anomaly, and I quite like it.

I had a very strange dream last night. My friend was pregnant and dying. Well, my sort-of friend. She knew she wouldn't live through childbirth, but she just wanted the baby to survive. I don't remember much of what happened in between. But I remember I had to shower for some reason. And then she went into labor. So I got out of the shower and went to the emergency room. By the time I got there, the baby was born. And she was still alive. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I started to cry. It was very strange. I wonder what it means?

I am so glad it's Friday. I need to sleep. Badly.

I haven't been scheduled at work for two weeks, and I'm not scheduled next week. I'm pretty positive their laying me off, but when I went in, my boss acted like I had only been gone a few days. Not even a, "Oh, sorry you haven't been scheduled, I hope you know how to pull money out of your ass." Whatever, lady.

I had some trouble in Calculus today. That has never happened before. I never have trouble learning any concept, especially in math. It's exhilarating. I started to understand better toward the end of class, it was amazing. People take for granted the fact that they actually have to try to understand stuff. I never realized how good it felt to finally understand something after the frustration of not getting it. I'm not saying I want to stop being so good at learning, it's just .. nice, I guess. It gives you a real sense of accomplishment.

I am going to spend the entire weekend buried in another world within the pages of a book. I can't wait.

James,
Please, let me start by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I knew this would happen before it did. I'm sorry because I knew it would end badly, and I didn't care. I didn't know it would end like this. I knew I'd probably fall for you, and I knew I'd end up getting hurt. I just didn't think I would do this to myself. I didn't think I'd push you away like that. I promise, that was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want to push you away, James, I wanted to bring you closer, but you were so far away... I'm scared. I don't quite know how to explain how much you've affected me. I can think of only one quote.. and as much as I'm ashamed to admit that I'm a part of a fandom composed primarily of 12-year-old fangirls, it's all I can think of.

Before you ... my life was like a moonless night. Very Dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore."

I'm sorry. I'm scared. I'm scared I wont ever be able to love anyone like I loved you. I'm scared no one will ever make me feel the way you did, like I was worth something. I hope you understand. I just couldn't keep clinging to you. I needed to stop trying, because I felt like it was a lost cause. I wish I were strong enough to let go. I told myself that if you cared, you'd try. You'd talk to me. I guess I got my answer. 

Sometimes I think there's something wrong with my brain. Not something physiological. I don't think it's anything that can be explained through modern science. I just feel like it's so different from other people's brains. Maybe there's nothing wrong with it.. it's just different. I don't really know how to explain it. I just think differently than you do. Almost like.. I refuse to accept the mundane as solid reality. I've come to terms with the fact that our reality isn't really reality. That it's not certain. Just because we can't comprehend something with our tiny human brains, why do we assume it's automatically not real? And when we can't comprehend something, why do we dumb it down to the point where it's something totally different, and then claim it for reality (i.e. "God")? It takes the wonder out of things. It really bothers me. And why are concepts like this so difficult for people to accept? Why do people so desperately cling to the mundane, like some kind of psychological life preserver?

But, most importantly.. why do I seem to think on a completely different frequency than the rest of the world?